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While touring Santiago before our cruise, we discovered that Chile was in the final leg of its presidential elections which will take place on January 17. According to our informal survey taken at several bars, wineries and restaurants, the two run-off candidates for president – Sebastian Pinera and Eduardo Frei — are neck and neck in the polls.  

As a student of public affairs, it occurred to me that the Chilean ex-patriot vote in Canada could be a critical factor in choosing the next leader of Chile. So I called my former sailing buddy, Don Miguel Barquentine, who is now the Chilean Secretary of the Navy, to discuss the situation over Pisco Sours at a local bar in Santiago. He brought along the country’s two presidential candidates so that I could question them on a wide range of critical issues of importance to Canada, the highlights of which now follow: 

Commodore Dave: Hola. I would like to ask what you know about Canada?

Sebastian Pinera: I can honestly say that I know a lot about Canada because I have studied geography and international affairs with Sara Palin.  As a result, I can say with confidence that Canada is a cold place and that your national bird is the beaver. I also know that the name of your president is Frosty the Snowman.  

Eduardo Frei: While I have never been to Canada, I was once locked in a refrigerator for several hours, so I know what your country is like. I have also spent time defrosting my freezer, which reminded me of Canada because it was full of snow and ice. When your Prime Minister Steven Harpoon comes to visit Chile, I will invite him to drink Pisco in my freezer so he will feel at home. 

CD: How do you feel about cruising? 

Pinera: I can honestly say that I love cruising, especially in downtown Santiago on a Friday night.  

Frei: I once took a cruise to the Easter Islands on a gunboat belonging to the Chilean navy. To entertain us, the Captain and crew dressed up as polar bears and sang the Canadian national anthem, which was very moving to me. But since I did nothing the entire voyage, it reminded me too much of my work where I also do nothing all day.   

CD: What do you think of Commodore Dave’s blog? 

Pinera: I can honestly say that your writing style reminds me of that great English writer, Walter Shakespeare.

 Frei: I find your writing style very moving. In fact the story about your daughters charging all their shipboard expenses to your account during a Mediterranean cruise moved me to tears, as I’m sure it did you when you received your bill at the end of the voyage. 

CD: Why do you want to be president? 

Pinera: I am very photogenic and like to have my picture taken with famous people. I also want to meet Barack Obama, but it has become increasingly difficult to crash his parties at the White House. By becoming President of Chile, I will get to meet Mr. Obama and perhaps have my photo taken with Hillary Clinton. I may also get to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show which has always been a big dream of mine. 

Frei: I am already the president, you idiot. I hope to be re-elected so that I can continue my 12-year legacy of doing nothing. I learned this policy from your Prime Minister Jean Cruton who told me he never had any opposition because he never did anything that anyone could object to. So I hope to be re-elected so I can continue doing nothing. 

CD:  Gracias. It’s nice to see that Chilean politicians have a lot in common with those in Canada. I hate to prorogue this interview, but I think the Secretary and I need to have another Pisco Sour.

In the never-ending search for new and creative ways to generate on-board revenue, Carnival Cruise Line has come up with a doozy.  The world’s biggest cruise line is now offering “Behind the Fun” tours for $95 per person so that passengers can pay to see all the icky and boring stuff that goes on behind the scenes when they would otherwise be having fun somewhere else on the ship.

For example, rather than wasting their time ashore visiting landmarks or relaxing in the pool, spa or casino aboard ship, Carnival’s lucky passengers will now be able to spend 3 ½ hours meeting people like the head of the laundry department so they can marvel at his amazing technique for applying excessive starch to underpants. And if that doesn’t turn their crank, just wait until they reach the sanitation department where they’ll be treated to a titillating demonstration of vacuum toilet technology.

Currently available on the Carnival Valor and Carnival Conquest, the program will be rolled out to all 12 of the line’s ships offering voyages of seven days or longer by the end of September.

The tour is designed to offer people without lives a behind-the-scenes look at a wide range of shipboard venues that relatively sane people would be loathe to visit without getting paid like the crew. During the tour, key shipboard personnel like the barnacle scraper and pot scrubber share their vast knowledge in their particular area of expertise.

Behind the Fun begins with a stop backstage in the main show lounge where participants see exactly what goes into creating award-winning draperies and carpets. The tour then moves on to normally restricted and incredibly exciting areas such as the laundry room and crew galley. The fun concludes with a visit to the ship’s bridge and engine control room where there’s an informative Q&A session with various officers, some of whom even speak English. 

Once the tour has concluded, guests will be revived from their comas with a series of fabulous gifts, including a custom-made “Behind the Fun” baseball cap and lanyard, as well as a picture book with the word “sucker” engraved on the cover. They will then undergo group hypnosis and be instructed to tell others that the tour was more exciting than drinking prune juice.

Now if all this excitement isn’t enough to get you running up a Carnival gangplank, just wait. I’ve learned that the cruise line is working in secret to develop a number of additional “Behind the Fun” tours as follows:

Behind the Dough Tour — $60 per person. There’s nothing more exciting than watching bread bake, or cheering on the galley crew as they insert raisins into the dough. But hold onto your aprons – this tour will also include a live debate about which part of the blueberry muffin tastes best — the stumps or the tops. (Due to the exciting nature of this tour, it is not recommended for pregnant women or people over 60 years of age.)

Behind the Towel Folding Tour — $70 per person. Turn your spare time into a terry-cloth empire by learning how to create a menagerie of zoo animals with nothing more than a folded towel, some used napkins and a lackluster personality. In this session, you’ll discover how to make terry-cloth replicas of your family and friends and save hundreds of dollars in Christmas and anniversary gifts in the process.

Behind the Buffet Tour — $55 per person. Ever wonder what happens to all the left-over food that bus boys remove from the lunch and dinner buffets? Well, it doesn’t go to Margueritaville. No sir, it’s freeze dried and made into tiny parrots for use at Jimmy Buffet concerts throughout the Southeast. On this tour, you’ll get to join crew members as they scrape dirty plates, wash greasy dishes, and turn into parrot heads as they sing “Cheeseburger in Paradise” in 23 different languages. (Due to the mature nature of food waste, this tour is not recommended for passengers under 18 years of age.)

Behind the Hospital Tour - $65 per person. There’s nothing more fun than visiting the ship’s hospital to meet people with Swine Flu and Norwalk Virus. Watch sick people scream with delight as they get pricked with big needles and learn first-hand what it’s like to vomit at sea.

Behind the Morgue Tour - $45 per person. Ever wonder what happens to people who croak at sea? No, they don’t put them in the refrigerator next to the Prime Rib and lobster– they go to the marvelous morgue where there’s only one dinner seating and no need to tip. On this 2-hour tour, you’ll see one of the “coolest” places on the ship, meet several stiffs, and engage in a stimulating Q&A session on the latest embalming techniques. (Due to the graphic nature of this tour, it is not recommended for relatives of people staying in the morgue.)

With these types of exciting tours being developed by Carnival, it won’t be long before they decide their ships don’t even need to leave the dock. After all, why waste all that money sailing to exotic destinations when passengers can spend the entire cruise having such a great time on the ship “Behind the Fun.”

The latest version of the “don’t worry, be happy” marketing scheme sailed into the travel industry last week when Norwegian Cruise Line announced its BookSafe Travel Protection Plan. 

In a press release, NCL said the plan takes the worry out of vacation planning by helping guests “book a stress-free future cruise despite uncertain times.” And according to Andy Stuart, NCL’s executive vice-president of global sales, the BookSafe plan enables guests to book with confidence knowing that they will receive a full refund if they need to cancel their cruise because of job loss. The cost of the BookSafe insurance starts at $29, depending on the cost of the cruise.

Just think of the possibilities that this scheme presents. If you want to cancel your cruise but it’s already past your final refund date, all you have to do is quit your job. Not a bad plan, especially if you’re washing dishes at $5 per hour.

Of course, I can see some problems with this plan. For example, if you don’t already have a job, how can you lose it to take advantage of the insurance? And what if you don’t have a paid job but do volunteer work – does unpaid work still count? I think this could be a great precedent-setting case for some human rights tribunal that could spend millions of taxpayer dollars having the scheme declared biased against volunteers and the unemployed.

However, despite my initial reservations, I’m now starting to appreciate the great opportunities this kind of brilliant marketing scheme can produce. I mean, there must be plenty of other important events that NCL can insure against so that people can book a cruise stress-free.

For example, here are some of my ideas that NCL can add to its BookSafe Plan:

The Divorce BookSafe Plan

This plan would provide recently divorced people with the choice of a 50% refund of their cruise fare, a shared cabin with a stranger of the opposite sex, or a one-year membership with e-harmony. The cost would start at $9 per year of the failed marriage, or a flat 10% of the couple’s legal fees.

The Geriatric BookSafe Plan

This plan would apply to people over 55 years of age who have scheduled a hip replacement operation since booking their cruise. They would be eligible for a full refund, or a motorized scooter should they take their cruise during the recovery period. The cost would be $99 per hip.

The family pet is sick BookSafe Plan

This plan would allow guests to cancel their cruise or bring their sick pet with them on the voyage. The cost would be $79 for cats and dogs, $139 for potbellied pigs, and $389 for reptiles.

The I just got demoted BookSafe Plan

This plan would protect people who get demoted before taking their cruise. They would simply be put into lower cabin categories aboard the ship commensurate with their new positions at work and be charged a lower fare accordingly.

The in-laws have just moved in with us BookSafe Plan

This plan is for people who suddenly find their in-laws moving in with them. They would be eligible to upgrade from a 7-day cruise to three consecutive world cruises for just $199 as long as they move to another city without giving their in-laws a forwarding address.

I could go on, but I don’t see why I should be giving all these great ideas away for free. If Andy wants to know anymore, he’s going to have to call, fly me to Miami and come up with a big consulting contract.

I won’t be waiting by the phone!

After watching the Academy Awards Sunday night, I decided it was time we started a special version of the Oscars just for the cruise industry. So I quickly put together an online academy of “cruise experts” (unfortunately Katie Holmes, Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz were not available), sent out e-ballots, and hired the accounting firm of “Cheat, Fraud & Bamboozle” to tally the votes.  

The results are now in, so without further delay, I am proud to present the very first Society of Executive Accountants for Satisfactory International Cruise Knowledge Awards, otherwise known as the SEASICK Awards.

 Just like the Academy Awards, we are going to start with the lesser known and more inane categories and then finish with the biggies.

 Best Foreign Language Cruise Line

This award is given to a foreign-cruise line where English is not the primary language spoken aboard ships and where North American passengers have the opportunity to experience different cultures. The nominees are Norway’s Fred Olsen Cruise Line, Japan’s Mitsui OSK Passenger Line and Germany’s Hapag-Lloyd Cruises.

And the SEASICKie goes to Fred Olsen Cruise Line! According to the voters, this cruise line goes the extra nautical mile by providing North Americans with erudite cultural experiences like yodeling lessons, Lapland folk dancing classes, barbecued Reindeer recipes, Viking etiquette tips and ice-sculpting demonstrations, all provided over the PA system concurrently in 17 different languages.

Best Short Cruise itinerary

This award is given to a cruise ship that has an itinerary so short that it isn’t at sea long enough for anyone to get seasick, lose any money at the casino, do laundry, meet any friends or gain any weight. The nominees are NCL’s Dawn for a 1-night return cruise from New York, Cunard’s Queen Victoria for a two-night voyage from England to Denmark, Holland America’s Eurodam for a 2-night cruise from England to Denmark, and Carnival’s Triumph for a 2-night return voyage from Norfolk, Virginia.

 And the award goes to NCL’s 1-night dinner and dance cruise aboard the Norwegian Dawn from New York! I mean, if the cruise was any shorter you wouldn’t even need a cabin. This mini-voyage departs the Big Apple on April 30 with fares starting at just CDN$167. Just try getting a room with meals and entertainment in Manhattan for that kind of money!

Best Cruise Director

This award is given to a Cruise Director who gets the most from his cast and makes every voyage feel like a masterpiece of sea-nematography. The nominees are John Heald from Carnival, Neil Chandler from Princess and Anthony Richards from Royal Caribbean International.

And the SEASICKie goes to Neil Chandler from Princess! Neil has all the assets of a great director including a British accent, a great sense of humour, a digital camera, free internet service, and access to the ship’s public address system. Need we say more? 

Best Supporting Cruise Line

This award is given to a small cruise company that plays second fiddle to the major cruise lines but nevertheless delivers a compelling performance. The nominees are Peter Deilmann Cruises, Windstar Cruises and Star Clippers.

And the award goes to Star Clippers! Founded by Swedish millionaire and yachtsman Mikhail Krafft, Star Clipper Cruises offer laid-back fun on a fleet of tall ships that travel to Asia, Europe and the Mediterranean. These small sail ships don’t have amenities like rock climbing walls and ice skating rinks, but they do have plenty of rum, a few barrels of Aquavit, and a talking parrot who helps the Captain with the navigation.

Best Cruise Line

And now the biggie you’ve read all through this rubbish to get to. This award goes to the luxury line that provides the best value for money in terms of the total cruise experience. In other words, they can quickly make you forget how lousy your flight was before you boarded the ship! The nominees are Regent Seven Seas Cruises, Crystal Cruises and Seabourn. 

And the SEASICKie goes to Regent Seven Seas Cruises! Regent has beautiful ships and they do everything well, but our voters selected them because they serve free booze. One SEASICK Academy member estimated that he can save up to $4,000 per week simply by sailing with Regent versus staying at home and drinking at his local bar in downtown Toronto. Now Brian, that’s what I call smart budgeting! 

So that’s it for this year’s SEASICK Awards. If you’d like to become a member of the SEASICK Academy and participate in next year’s balloting, please contact your local mental health care provider.

 A number of people sent me the following story that’s been making the rounds for a few years. It’s an oldie, but a goodie, so I decided to update it slightly and share it with all of you. So here we go:

On our last cruise in the Mediterranean, we saw an elderly woman eating alone by the picture window in the grand dining room. She seemed to know everyone on the ship, including the Maitre’ D, waiters, busboys and wine sommeliers who were all making a big fuss over her.

I asked my waiter who she was, and he said all he knew was that she had been on this cruise for the last 6 weeks taking the same trip back to back. We figured she must be some kind of celebrity or maybe even the wife of the cruise line’s President. Since we were curious, we asked the lady if she would join us for martinis in the bar after dinner.

After we’d ordered our drinks, I mentioned we’d heard that she had been on the same cruise for the last 6 weeks. “Yes, that’s true,” she replied. “And I’ve been on cruise ships continuously for the last 5 years.”

I said “I don’t understand. Why would you do that?”

Without missing a beat, the old lady replied “Yes, it’s cheaper than staying in a nursing home and a heck of a lot nicer.”

“What do you mean?” I said.

“Well,” she replied, “a nursing home would cost me a minimum of $200 per day. But with an early booking discount, I can get a great cabin on just about any cruise ship for an average of only $135 per day. That leaves $65 day for incidentals, and here’s what I get:

1. Gratuities cost me only $10 a day.

2. I can have as many as 8 meals a day including room service, main dining room and various buffets.

3. I have as many as 5 swimming pools, 6 hot tubs, and a fully equipped gymnasium with young studs as personal trainers to choose from.

4. They give me free soap, shampoo, conditioner, Kleenex and wonderful entertainment each night.

5. The cruise staff treats me like a customer and not a patient. For an extra $5 in tips, the entire staff is falling all over me to help.

6. I get to meet new people and start new romances every 7 or 14 days, depending on the length of the cruise.

7. If my T.V. needs fixing or my light bulb replaced, the staff fix it immediately with an apology for the inconvenience.

8. I get a beautiful room to myself with clean sheets, towels and fresh ice every day.

9. If I fall in the nursing home and injure myself, I have to deal with the Medicare system and wait in line for treatment for the rest of my life. If I fall and hurt myself on a cruise ship, I will get immediate treatment from a handsome young doctor and the cruise line will upgrade me to a suite for the rest of my life.

10. And the very best is that I’d be stuck in one place in the nursing home, I can choose from cruise ships that travel all over the world including Asia, the Mediterranean, Australia, South America and the Caribbean.”

Well, what the old lady had told us changed my view of retirement.

So when it’s time for me to give up my house and start living in an assisted facility, don’t look for me in a nursing home. I’ll be living aboard a luxury liner doing a world cruise, and saving lots of money to boot. If you want to reach me, just call shore to ship!  

A cruise executive friend of mine recently dropped by the house for a few rum and cokes, and a game of poker. In order to protect his identity, let’s call him “Captain Morgan.” After polishing off three-quarters of the rum, Adam, ehhh…..I mean Captain Morgan agreed to an interview (in a disguise) so I could ask some questions about cruising that have been on my mind for a long time. His answers were very revealing, shocking, occasionaly insulting and always influenced by rum.

Here’s a summary of our discussion:

Commodore Dave:  On every cruise I’ve taken, the moment I leave my stateroom the cabin steward appears out of nowhere and makes up my room. How do they know when people leave their cabins? Do they have ESP or something?

Captain Morgan: Don’t be silly. We have hidden video cameras in every room that your cabin steward watches 24 hours a day. It’s actually a great source of entertainment every night in the crew bar. Do you know that you snore at night?

CD: Speaking of the crew, there must be 800 or more of them working on large ships. Where do they all sleep at night?

CM: We ferry them ashore each night after their shift is over, and bring them back in the morning. Why do you think we have all those life boats?

CD: Large cruise ships must use lots of electricity. Where do you get the power from once you leave the pier?

CM: We use extension cords, very long extension cords. That’s the easy part. The real challenge is when we sail in Europe because we have to use the right converter plugs with the extension cords. That’s why we have a psychic on board.

CD: Do you put fresh or sea water in the ship’s swimming pool?

CM: Fresh water. Sea water would be too rough.

CD: Do medical staff on board cruise ships have to be licensed to practice medicine?

CM: Yes, but only on farm animals. Most people who visit the medical centre can’t tell the difference between a vet and a doctor until the doctor asks them to stomp their foot twice if they feel pain. And if they’ve got a mean hang-over, they just go along with it until they get the Valium.

CD: What’s the strangest thing that’s happened to you on a cruise ship?

CM: Meeting you, Commodore. The second strangest was when we were boarding the ship at the pier in Miami and a very irate passenger called my office demanding to have his cabin changed. He told me, “I didn’t pay all this money for a balcony cabin just to have a view of the parking lot.”  I went to the doctor, stomped my foot twice, and got some Valium!

CD: Is it possible to fall over the side of a cruise ship?

CM: Yes, especially if you don’t spend enough money on board the ship.

CD:  Are musicians on the ship any good?

CM:  Yes, we tell them they have to be in synch or swim.

CD: What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?

CM: That one makes my head hurt. I think it’s time to put the rum away and go home.

CD: Good night Captain Morgan.

In order to determine the top 10 reasons why people take cruises, I recently commissioned a study by the world-famous research institute, Dave’s Organization for Public International Enquiry (DOPIE).

The brain trust at DOPIE put together a brilliant set of questions which they used to survey more than 2,000 thought-leaders in the U.S., Canada, Venezuela, and North Korea. As usual, the eternal Chairman Kim Jong-Il responded on behalf of all North Koreans. In Venezuela, wannabe President for life Hugo Chavez refused to tell the truth for fear of setting a dangerous precedent. And in Canada, federal Liberal leader Stephane Dion was too busy removing Conservative Puffin poop from his blazer to participate. Otherwise, the findings represent the true opinions of some of the world’s greatest thought leaders.

So for the first time ever, I am proud to present DOPIE’s list of the top 10 reasons why people take cruises:

10 - The swaying motion of the ship increases libido.

9 - What happens at sea, stays at sea.

8 - Great entertainment like the knife-throwing act in rough seas.

7 - Passengers find the vacuum toilets on cruise ships very erotic.

6 - If you lose all your money in the casino, it’s just a short walk to the lifeboats.

5 - People love cute nautical terms like muster, bilge pump and spouse-overboard!

4 - Captain’s party provides one more chance to wear your favourite bridesmaid’s dress.

3 - They never show “Titanic” on movie night.

2 - Never any arguments about who will be the designated driver.

1 - You don’t have to leave the dining room to go whale watching.

That’s it for this year’s DOPIE survey on why people take cruises. Please feel free to add your own favourite reasons for cruising in the comments section – if they’re better than mine, we may offer you a job as the new CEO of DOPIE.

(These are findings of a DOPIE Poll conducted on behalf of Commodore Dave from 01/09 to 10/09 of 2008. A random selection was avoided by inviting Dave’s friends to a party, giving them significant amounts of liquor, and asking them to fill in a survey once they were drunk. The margin of error for a sample this size is +/- 147 percentage points 19 times out of 1 million. For further information about the findings, please contact Elvis.)